While I was Raising Other People’s Children, Someone else was Raising Mine

When you feel like you have been in a prize fight and could not defend yourself from the massive amounts of blows thrown by your opponent.  When you thought you had a handle on your opposition only to find yourself trying to dodge a flurry of punches.  Some landing and some glancing but each one inflicting a little damage all the same.  During these times, you realize that this is not a title fight nor is it a dream or a figment of your imagination.  This is life, plain and simple and if you are going to play it, buckle up because it will be a long and bumpy ride.

Why so gloom you ask, well I have just discovered that there is a very strong possibility that I have two beautiful daughters that I never got a chance to know, watch grow or hold.  Their names are April and Ashley and they lived in my dreams.  They have relocated into my heart and there they have built a mansion to remain for the rest of my days.  You see, I had taken a military doctor’s word that I would not father another child besides my oldest son Brandon.  It took some time but I had been able to wrap my head around that lie.  I met this very special person named Susan who taught me that love has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with feelings.  As a Marine you tried hard to avoid feelings but for some reason this lady had a way of bringing a smile to my face regardless of what kind of day I had.  Her eyes held such innocence that would melt an iceberg and the way she seemed to understand the completely non-understandable was puzzling.  She had a glow about her as if she was not from earth but was just visiting from heaven and when she smiled it lifted you up on high.  She made me a much better man but because she was pregnant and I was told I could not father any more children, I left to try and become a real dad to my son.  She was so very gracious and understanding but when we split, the man she had made was no more.  It was like having heaven in your hands and letting it slip through your fingers.

I went on to finish my years in the military and moved to Illinois.  Here I found another way to capture a little bit of the man I lost by taking in 4 foster children, who also happened to be my nieces and nephews.  These children and my son Brandon did more to save my life than I could ever do for them.  They gave me a reason to go on and a purpose in life.  Each and every day they taught me something about life and even more about myself.  They were the spark that kept my engine burning and I could never tell them enough how very grateful to them I am for saving this poor man’s life.  My son soon left to move back with his mother and a gaping hole appeared.  Even though the foster kids were still there, the hole stayed open.  

The foster kids grew and left the nest in search of who they are and their destinies.  I could take pride in the fact that I did the best I could do with them and my son whether they made a good decision or bad.  That hole that Brandon left was partially filled when I adopted one of the foster girls and it began to get even more covered with the birth of my daughter Terra and later my son Terren.  I began to feel like something again but that was short lived.  I still have connection to my kids but I do not see or talk to any of them every day.  I do not help with homework anymore or tuck them into bed.  I do not sit down around the living room and talk with them about anything and everything anymore.  I have my pictures and my memories and a place in my heart where I go to be with them.

I was okay with all this until I remembered my earth angel from Yuma but I was sure she was all committed to another and there was no way I would come between that.  For no other reason than to show her the same type of respect she showed me in my previous dilemma.  Then something happened.  It was divine intervention because the phone ranged and this was a phone that had been disconnected for months.  I picked up the phone with no expectations at all except to see if I was losing my mind.  As soon as I heard that sweet angelic voice, I knew and it seemed that time and my heart stood still.  I learned that she had been wondering what happened to me as I had been her and because we always had this connection when it comes to being able to tell each other everything and listen without judging, she needed to talk to someone.  I silently eased out of my chair and got down on my knees to thank God for letting her pick me to be the one to listen.  Just holding the phone while she talked re-kindled that feeling of belonging that only she could grant.  We spoke for several hours, just reliving old times, shedding some tears and fixing problems.  This is where I learned about those special angels I spoke about earlier and the reason behind this story.

While I was raising other people’s children, someone else was raising mine.  After seeing photos of the girls both past and present.  There is a strong draw that could only be explained as existing between daddy and daughter.  I compared their baby pictures to Brandon, Terra and Terren and feel it in my bones that they are mine.  The more I hear about how they act, how they talk, how they walk and how they carry themselves, proves to me without a DNA test, that they are mine.  I missed out on watching them grow.  I missed out on seeing them mature and I missed out on bouncing them upon my knee.  I missed the first graded papers from school, the first scraped knee, the first nightmare and hearing them call me daddy.  I missed out on so much with them but instead of sitting here feeling sorry for what I missed, I am determined to use all of that energy and more to make sure I don’t miss anymore.

The hole that Brandon left is still there but now I know it is because that is and always be his place in my heart to occupy.  The girls taught me that.  I know that not being there was not the fault of their mother and if there is fault to be leveled at anyone it is totally my burden to carry.  The girls taught me that.  I know that all any one wants is to know is the truth and to attempt protecting them by hiding any part of it does more harm than good.  The girls taught me that.  I know that this delicate dance to be just a small part of their life is dangerous but I also know that I have never been thought of as the sharpest tool in the shed.  The girls did not teach me that.

So I move forward and try to stay near, just in case they decide to give this old man a try.  If they never do so then that is their right and I can respect that but don’t think for one second I am not going to be hoping and praying that they do.  My momma didn't raise a fool and I was born at night not last night.  To all my kids, thanks for saving my life.  To April and Ashley, thanks for being born and keeping your mother, my angel, here on earth.