Sex and Your Relationship

In an effort to make full disclosure, I must tell you now that I am not a licensed or expert relationship guru but what I do possess is possessed by all of us who wish to take just a few minutes to pay attention.  With that said, he in now beginith the lesson.

Last night I was having a conversation with someone that I am strongly attempting to make my next “ex” and it centered on sexual fantasies which should be allowed and ones that shouldn’t.  The main sticking point was your partner’s fantasy of having sex with two men/women at the same time.  I had taken the stance that if that is something she wanted I would honor it by setting it up but could not be counted as one of the participants.  This confused her greatly and in my state of mind, I could not understand why.  She explained to me that if this was a fantasy of hers, she would appreciate me saying “no” and sticking with it.  She believes that saying “yes” would create the impression that I really do not care about her to loan her out to other men.   My first thought was how that could be a concern if I was willing to honor her request and help to grant her fantasy but after several very long pauses in conversation and reflection on my experience, I began to see the point she was making.

Men have a instinct to defend that which is most important to them.  They do this when someone scratches their car, steps on their shoes refuse to return their tools but they can put aside this instinct when it comes to sharing their wives or significant others.  One then must ask how this is possible.  How can you suppress your instinct to defend someone you say you will die for?  The only answer that I can come up with is masking your instinct with an excuse of loving her enough to give her that fantasy when all it comes up to is being selfish.  You read right, people selfishness.

You want that fantasy too and in order to get it you are willing to loan her out so that she owes you the same in return.  That is not love that is being selfish.  You can share your friends, your experiences and your knowledge but sharing someone you say that you want to spend the rest of your life with is not even close to doing the right thing.  In my experience this fantasy coming true brings with it unforeseen problems that will have to be dealt with.  Number one problem is the instinct to now believe that you can continue this with or without the permission of your partner.  She allowed it before so it must be alright is what you tell yourself knowing full well that you are lying to yourself.  It demises your respect level for your partner and fuels your desire to now touch every forbidden fruit that did not even wet your appetite before this.  You then begin to lose yourself and the person that you wanted so very much to be.  In the end it is not worth it and years will go by before you discover and make all efforts to correct this imbalance.  For some this imbalance will never be corrected so you spend the rest of your life leaning one way or the other.  Throwing your entire existence out of whack for a fantasy that is nothing more than a unfulfilling wish is truly not worthy of losing the one true thing that keeps you level and your soul nourished.

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