The Age when our Children go wrong-The War for Control of your Kid’s Soul Continues

Yesterday, Wednesday, November 10, 2010, I accompanied my mother to court to be there for my nephew and her ward.  We had been instructed that court would start promptly at 9 am Central Standard Time and we arrived with plenty of time to spare.  Should have known that things were not going to go particularly well because the first voice we heard as we stepped off of the elevator on the 4^th floor of the Winnebago County Court House was the voice of a bailiff informing those collected that only the parents of the accused minor would be allowed into the courtroom so those who came for moral support would have to wait outside.  I did not care too much for that proclamation because I know that walking out into a situation like that for a young man is a stressful time and the only comfort one can feel at that time is seeing a familiar face.  It’s probably the one time where family can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt their love for that minor and the minor can see and feel the clear evidence of that love.  But not this day.

What this time did do for me is provided me with an opportunity to interview those outside of the courtroom like myself and speak to the parents who have yet to enter the courtroom as well as those sitting in the support section for them.  These interviews revealed something that I had only joked about when it came to the minds of children during a specific time of their development.  I joked that at the age of thirteen (13), our children brains tend to go on vacation and does not return until they reach twenty-one (21).  It was a joke then but through those interviews, I discovered that I was not far from the truth.  Many of those present were single parents mostly women but a few men and less than the men were couples there to fight for their children.  Looking around that court’s waiting area, you could see the pain, uncertainty, anxiousness and yes even the embarrassment etched on the faces of the parents and supporters as well.  I left there more educated than I ever was in the twelve (12) plus years I spent in any school. 

I learned that during the later months of twelve (12) years old was when ninety-eight percent (98%) of the children made a bad decision which landed them in the court system and the label juvenile delinquent.  Many were enticed into this decision by those whom they trusted and listened to more than they heard the words of their parents or family members but some were thrown into their decision by their undeveloped sense of survival.  Dealing with my nephew and through my own experience of raising children I was aware of the draw that “fitting in” possessed for kids but I was shocked to see just how many more people were affected by this.  The story was the same in every interview that it was the last months of twelve (12) when their child began to stray, those interviewed reminded me of the work a parent or guardian must put in to try and prevent their child from progressing in this behavior and winding up in the juvenile justice system.  Some are successful but many are not hence seeing so many there yesterday.

·         The results of this day would have a lasting effect on those there even those who were only there for support.  It would be a day that they will remember for a very long time.  For the seventeen (17) year old who burglarized a convenient store and could not outrun the police, he will get to go on with his single mother who’s a nurse at one of the local hospitals but he will be on house arrest and have to wear an ankle bracelet.  He could have gotten tie in juvenile detention or jail time until he was twenty-one (21) but since this was his first offense and his mother and Aunt Jackie helped him to surrender himself, they waived the detention time and allowed him to be home with his mother.

·         The other two seventeen (17) year olds there were not quite so lucky.  Both got the detention time and the only good part of the entire sentence was that there were going to be other court dates and they would be able to attend which would get them some sun if not much else.  One of those seventeen (17) year old began at the later months of twelve (12) and joined the local gang in order to survive the neighborhood that he lived in.  Believed to have fired a weapon during that time and not making any serious efforts to discontinue gang life, there was really not much good news that his mother could hope for.

·         As for my nephew, violation of probation assured him of not being released into my mother’s custody yesterday.  He too will sit in juvenile detention until his court dates where there will be another attempt to try and bring this kid home.  My mother, like ninety-nine percent (99%) of those there could not afford an attorney so their children’s fate is left in the hands of court appointed public defenders, will have to pray and believe that all this will be a benefit for their child and not a repeat for years to come, he is only thirteen (13) but he did start down this path in the last few months of age twelve (12).

In the final analysis, there were plenty of tears yesterday to share for those who did not have any.  There plenty of uncertainty to go around just in case some was lacking but more than that, a single mother left the court room without her son and will not be able to hold her frighten child.  A couple stands side by side in the elevator going down knowing that even though their children would have to wear a tracking device like some endangered species, he would still be home.  A single mother will stop be the Juvenile Probation Department fill out a history on her child and then take him home to wait the next court date only this homecoming may not be as joyous as one might think because there is still the issue of this child’s voluntary surrender.  Will he ever truly take responsibility or will he blame his mother for making him turn himself in after being released to her by the officers who caught him that night, will his mother stop blaming herself for deciding to convince him to surrender instead of denying that she learned about the warrant  for his arrest a few days later.  As for my mother will she ever be able to let go and not feel under seized by worry and stress every time she walks by the room that my nephew used to occupy.  The stress and strain on the faces of those present in the court room as well as the supporters in the waiting room overwhelmed that building and maybe even covered the next few city blocks.  It would continue an envelope each and every home, workplace and place those parents enter but the question is for how long?

The solution to this problem is that there really is none.  It’s not what anyone says when the situation happens; it’s what is being said in the first eleven (11) years before.  Constant repetition of the consequences of actions is all that any parent can do to prepare for this time because no parent can prevent it.   The child will not remember what was said during or after the event as clearly as they will remember what was said before it occurred.  They will be trying to figure out how they got into this mess and the only solace will be those words you spoke to them prior.  To decide to involve themselves in this trouble the only voices they heard was those urging them on but after that the only voices that they need to hear is yours repeating your pleas of doing the right thing.  Children often complain about the constant badgering from their parents about doing right not wrong but trust me when I say that repetition does much more harm than good if you wish them to learn anything from any mistake that they may make.

There is a war going on inside of our children in the last few months of twelve (12).  It’s a war that only they can fight and you will not be able to fight for them.  It’s a struggle between the good angels and the bad ones.  It’s a struggle for your child’s very soul.  The only way to properly equip them to deal with this, to fight this war is the constant reminding that it is coming.  The constant encouragement that the better angels can and should win this war and the constant reassurance that when this war begins and they feel that their strength is gone, they can always tap into yours.

For the parents and supporters who cling to their Bibles in these times you can find solace in 2^nd Corinthians Chapter 7 verse 10 “For God sometimes uses sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek eternal life.”  “We should never regret his sending it.”  In this you should find that we are never alone in our battles with our worst angels and that any pain we may feel does not hold a candle to the pain of nails being driven through your palms and feet or a spear being thrust through your side and a crown of thorns being slammed down upon your head all while you are still alive and breathing.  This is the pain that Jesus endured for us and if he can withstand that pain and still watch over and love us, we can surely do the same for our kids and for ourselves.

For the parents and supporters who do cater to the thought or belief of a supreme being or any higher power, find solace in the fact that we all had to deal with this war within ourselves at one time in our lives or another or try the “everything happens for a reason” thing.  Remember how you came through it and became who you are today, then multiply it by four (4).  This is the lesson you need to repeat to your children during the first eleven (11) years.  Know that using the old “that was the way I was raised” does not work in this situation and this could do more harm than good.  So before you ask why it doesn’t understand that your parents are just that, your parents.  How they raised you was probably the best that they knew how during the time you were growing up.  The world has changed and times are different so you will have to change with the times and adapt your delivery according to the times that your children are growing up in.  Some things may never change but some things will.    

For the parents and supporters who are caught in between those that believe in a higher power and those that don’t, try the old tried and true “Shit Happens”.  The lesson is the same for all of us and the answer is basically identical.  There is always something to learn each and every day and when you are not learning you are losing.  The war wages within us beginning the last few months of twelve (12) years old but it never ends.  This battle between our good angles and bad continues for as long as we live so learning each day provides us better weapons and equipment to continue this fight.

None of us should ever believe that the quiet times are forever, they are only breaks in the fight and time for us to regroup and eventually rejoin the battle.  No one will be allowed to sit on this sideline and if you believe that you can, be prepared for a very rude awakening.  We must join this battle to not only instruct our children but to actually show them how to fight and keep their very souls.  When they are born they look to us to lead them and though they may go astray they will return one day.  When that day comes we should be ready to lead them again because no one will ever love our children like we do to the end.