Understanding Depression

For years now, I have been trying to get a handle on my depression and even though I think I have it mostly figured out, it was recently discovered that the main cause of my depression comes from disappointment.

It appears that when my hopes are the highest is when I sink the lowest when those expectations are not met.  It is no one’s fault and the only real way to change it has to come from within.  I had attempted to try and lower my expectations on what I wished to happen but still disappointment seems to have a mind of its own.  The toughest disappointment does not come from expectations that I have in others but from those expectations that I have for myself.  As much as I would like to find others to blame for this disappointment, the ultimate offender is me.

As far back as I could remember I had always wanted to own my own business and when the day came that I did, it was like the heavens had opened up and I could hear the angels singing.  In the midst of this economy and a few bad choices on my part, its seeming more and more likely that I will have to shut my doors.  To some it may seem that this is just a part of my journey of life but to me it’s like losing a very important part of me.  Not being able to put food on the table and provide for my family makes it quite difficult to look my children in the eye.  It makes it hard to even advise them about their choices and there is no easy way to tell them.  I say to myself to just keep fighting yet I feel so weak.  I open my eyes in the morning yet feel like there is no reason to get up.

All these and so many more thoughts run through my mind and then today it happened.  I realized that not getting up and giving up was not an option.  I realize that nothing makes us stronger than pushing harder when the pushing becomes hard.  I now understand that no matter what happens, I do not have to sell my soul and surrender.  I figured out that because you are standing in a very dark room does not mean that you can not see.  Even though you are in this lightless room, you must remember that you are still standing.  Disappointment will happen and depression will follow but by no means does it signal the end of anything.  On the contrary, it could signal the beginning of something new and something better.  The choice of whether it’s new and better is not determined by anyone or anything other than you.  Decide to stay in bed or get up, decide to give in or keep fighting, just make sure that its you who are deciding.