Domestic Violence and the it’s Other Victim

For some time now we have heard about domestic violence and its effect on the primary victim.  We have been informed how it robs its primary victim of their self esteem and self worth.  We have heard about how domestic violence can make the primary victim feel as if it’s something that they did to cause this action and it was their fault.  We now know that this is never the case.  The primary victim is never the true cause of domestic violence.  It is and always will be a cause strictly brought on by the victimizer and not the victim.  The victimizer feels trapped and lashes out at the closest person to them which happens to be the one’s they say are the ones they love the most.

The other victim who has been identified is the children of domestic violence.  We have learned that seeing it coming from the most influential people they know may have them believe that this is the way life is suppose to be.  We have learned that being around it may be justification for them to act in the same manner once they get older.  We have also been informed that sometimes they feel responsible for the actions of the victimizer and in many cases will try and do whatever it takes to make it right.  We know that it could have an adverse effect on sleeping habits, school performances and social interactions.  We know these things and society ha come up with possible remedies to help those children of domestic abuse deal with this problem.  We also know that it is not the fault of these children and that it is simply that the victimizer feels trapped and lashes out at the closest person to them which happens to be the one’s they say are the ones they love the most.

The one group that has not been discovered as of yet is the brothers of those sisters who are victims of domestic violence.  To a brother, it is an unwritten rule to protect the female members of your family.  It’s a job that many brothers take seriously.  Because of the seriousness of how it’s taken by the brothers and the closeness of siblings, brothers can feel robbed of their opportunity of protection.  They often silently suffer and feel they are to blame for not seeing it beforehand or not being present when things started to turn sour.  They want to avenge their sisters and some get that chance.  Others never do so a need goes unfulfilled.  The thing that hurts brothers most is whether they get an opportunity to fulfill their protection obligation or not, is when the sister goes back to the victimizer or chooses not to leave.  To those who took the opportunity to avenge, they soon turn off that protection detector.  For those who did not get the chance to avenge, feels relieved that they did not risk their freedom by exacting that revenge and they too soon turn off that protection detector.  They to must learn that it is not their fault and that it’s as simple as the victimizer feels trapped and lashes out at the closest person to them which happens to be the one’s they say are the ones they love the most.

Growing up, I witnessed my father beating my mother and from that decided not to ever strike a woman for as long as live.  As a child of domestic abuse, I was able to learn early that this was not how life really should be or even close to where it was.  I learned it by being exposed to other families besides my own and watching how they interacted.  I also learned that lesson from watching family shows on television.  As a brother of domestic abuse, I learned not to turn off the protection detector but to change its settings.  I learned that as long as I early and often warned my sisters about the possibility of domestic violence, it could have the same effect in fulfilling my protection obligation.  People will always do what they think is best for them regardless of what anyone else said.  To say that someone else made you do something is a lie; no one makes anyone do anything.  All decisions are made by those who decide and not by what they see or hear.  That lesson is no better given than the story of Adam and Eve.  The serpent which some believes represented Satan could not force either one to take a bit of the forbidden fruit.  Satan could only entice.  The choice was Adam and Eve’s, they had the power and choose to relinquish it.  We all have the power to choose which direction our lives take just as we are in charge of who we choose to listen and follow.  We may at time feel trapped and lash out but we need to make sure that the ones we lash out at are not those which happen to be the one’s they say are the ones they love the most.